A birthday toast
We have a tradition, where we have a birthday toast, this started a few years ago, and I love it.
It went something like this:
“To a beautiful year”
Someone pipes in “to many gigs”
Someone else “full band gigs”
Another friend “good paying full band gigs”
And we all toasted to this.
It wasn’t even my idea, but I was smiling, my shoulders relaxed, because my friends and family know my goals and dreams.
That night I wrote myself a letter pouring into the words how much I believed in myself, remind myself that I am loved.
✨ A few days later I finished a new song that we’ve been working on for the past year.
✨ I got to tell my best friend about the story behind house renovated, and felt a glimmer in my eye.
✨ And later in the same week I had a lesson in procrastinating.
For the past year I’ve been thinking about switching distributors for my music. I’ve loved Distrokid but unfortunately there’s not an option to list Americana as a genre and a few other perks.
Moving forward with my music, I’d love to be able to have this option. So far I’ve found Tunecore to be a good fit for me.
Now I knew my subscription was going to expire, what I thought was near the beginning of the month, but it’s actually the day before.
So when I went to log in to transfer all of my music I realized I can’t access anything.
This resulted into a bit of a breakdown, realizing my mistake, going for a walk, and coming back with a clear mind.
I mulled over my relationship with music, and how when I’m playing a show, or recording a song I feel fulfilled. However, when I’m working on songwriting and wrapping up a song I’m also trying to create a highlight video to get my band gigs. It feels like it has its grip on me. It’s felt like this for many years. Perhaps it’s because it feels like every career move, hinges on any little post, show, or edit in a song.
Creating music is amazing, but sometimes it feels like a sword ready to strike.
I’m still trying to find a balance.
I try to re-imagine and reinvent what the actual dream is, because the older I get the further away it feels.
I had a conversation with a friend of mine about if touring and music doesn’t pay the bills, what would I want to do? (Now note as a musician I’ve had it drilled into my brain to not have another plan, because that means you won’t follow through on the first goal, and default to plan B). I gave my friend a blank stare as they assured me that they believed in me, but it was more a “what if” scenario. We talked about some ideas or other avenues of writing I could pursue, teaching guitar and voice, writing children’s story’s (who knows with AI), or looking into music supervision.
These all seem like plausible ideas, nothing has the pull for me like creating music, but I’m sure if you asked any other musician they would express a similar longing.
I believe in myself. I know this friend believes in me too. And I’m reminded that all the birthday wishes while blowing out candles, probably won’t make something magical happen. But it won’t stop me from creating music.
I might feel a bit defeated not playing some hometown music festivals that I see my friends play at, but I don’t think I can stop writing.
I think about the people around me, friends, family, who all cheered to a year full of paid, full band gigs, for my birthday toast, and it reminds me to keep going, moving toward something I believe in.
I think about at the festival I wasn’t playing at, but then a friend from years ago walked up to me and said that they remember me playing a song in 8th grade, rolling out my amp on a little hand truck, and singing my little 8th grader heart out.
She said that song still gets stuck in her head. She asked if there was any place she could find it, I told her yes and shared that I’m still making music! (Music that I personally believe has improved from over ten years ago). She probably doesn’t realize how much that meant to me, but it gave me a little encouragement to keep going.
✨I guess it’s all a week of being an artist. So here’s a toast, to writing, creating, and finding full band, good paying gigs.